To truly be yourself

Do you ever reflect on your life and find yourself confronted by the void between where you and where you thought you would be? Or more importantly, the gap between who you are and who you want to be? It has been a reoccurring theme for me this past year. Not just for fleeting moments, but for periods of time that drag on, barely pulling me along with them. I have been reflecting on why I am not who I want to be and how to reconcile the gap within myself.

I was sitting in a room full of my fellow first year students, and as we waited on the professor I realized I how alone I felt. Surrounded by people, I felt more isolated than when I’m alone at the apartment for a weekend. The people around me were chatting and laughing, enjoying each other’s company, but I physically felt unable to join a single conversation. Not because of them, but because of me. Entering a single conversation with my classmates felt as if it would take extreme effort, more than I had to give. I sat there, hoping no one would talk to me because I no longer had the energy to try and fit into any conversation, regardless of the subject. It is an exhausting place to be mental, emotionally, and even physically.

We all need people whom we know with certainty love us unconditionally. People we can have bad days with and not feel the need to put on a front. A place where we can freely share our thoughts and opinions without worrying that any slight mistake in wording will lead to misunderstanding and extreme backlash. People with whom we can share our deepest fears and greatest joys. A safe space where we can be our full selves and bask in that freedom. Without this space, I find it hard to believe we can feel confident enough to be ourselves in the real world, full of hard edges and an unforgiving nature.

Our world is layered in contradictions. The world says everyone should be free to have their own beliefs and opinions. I agree with this wholeheartedly. However, whether knowingly or unknowingly, society has added a catch. Everyone is free to have their own beliefs and opinions — as long as those opinions aren’t differing from what the ominous “they” deem acceptable. I think we can all agree there are some things which are completely intolerable; murder, racism, etc. But there are countless subjects steeped in more shades than I could imagine. Lately, I have been overwhelmed by my position outside of the designated and agreed upon beliefs. Beliefs from my perspective, but facts from “theirs”. The only way a person can disagree with “facts” is if they are wrong. By definition facts don’t leave room for discussion or different perspectives. Having opposing perspectives on these issues feels equivalent to someone trying to explain why water isn’t necessary for life. No one would be able to convince me to even consider that we don’t need water. Here is a trivial example. After a day of hiking, I was riding back to Be’er Sheva with a group of people whom I respect and enjoy. During the drive, we started talking about Kansas and what it was like growing up there. It seemed like a safe topic. To my dismay, I ended up arguing for 10-15 minutes with one of my companions about whether my home in is part of a town/city or not. Even by the end of our conversation, they weren’t convinced I knew my living situation growing up better than they did. The conversation ended because I exited the vehicle, not because they acknowledged my point. They tried to prove I was wrong to the very end. If I am unable to persuade someone else to consider a perspective different than theirs on even such a silly subject which is of no consequence in the end, how can I even voice a conflicting opinion on bigger, more sensitive topics? Maybe I’m not skilled at debating, but when I hit one brick wall after another, eventually I just turn around instead of banging my head against such an unmovable object. Earlier the same day, the group unanimously agreed that if you aren’t 100% for abortion, you aren’t for women’s rights. They left no remove for debate or differing opinions, obliterating any chance of an in-between. It is easier to defend an opinion when we make issues black or white, erasing the shades of grey. But reality is complex, and grey exists. We say murder is wrong, but every country has a military whose purpose is to kill and destroy. We kill and destroy to save and protect. That sounds crazy, and maybe it is. But the grey exists. If we ignore it, we will go through life lying to ourselves.

To be clear, I am not for abortions. I am for women. I am also for those who don’t have a voice to speak for themselves. I believe there are exceptions to every rule and there are uncountable shades of grey, even when it comes to abortion. It’s not an absolute rule. I also can’t just say I’m against abortions. If I’m not searching for ways to help women who feel like abortion is their only option, I’m a complete hypocrite. If I’m not doing my best to part of the solution and actively contribution to caring for children who are left alone in our broken world or who need a home, I’m contradicting myself. In general, I don’t believe I have the right to dictate another person’s actions. I can’t tell them what is right and wrong especially if we don’t have the same starting point for the definitions of right and wrong. However. I do believe that when someone’s decisions hurt others, I have a right to stand up for those who are being hurt. If their decisions simply disagree with mine, but aren’t causing real harm to others, then I will love them where they are, share the truth I believe from a place of compassion and love, and I will live my life. Putin is free to have whatever beliefs and opinions he wants, but as soon as he started killing and attacking people, I believe we must stand up and do our best to help.

I have recently realized how rarely I speak up and share my opinion in group settings and even during one-on-one encounters. I think there is a time to listen and a time to speak up, but recently all I have heard is my silence. I could give excuses, talk about all the times in the past when my opinions have been smashed, misunderstood, and burned to the ground, but I don’t want to. I don’t want to have excuses or let the past continue to dictate my present and my future. I don’t want to be afraid that conflicting opinions will lead to irreparable damage, but sometimes they do. On the other hand, it can lead to mutual respect and growth, and I can’t have one without risk of the other. To be able to enter into hard conversations with the world around me, I do think it is necessary to have the safe place of freedom I described earlier. In Israel, I have friends and community who give me pieces of the security to be confident in who I am and what I believe. But I don’t see them every day or get individual quality time on a regular basis. My community back home is incredible and provides endless encouragement. But everyone is busy and has their own lives. Reflecting on how I could have more consistency, I realized how easily I forget my safe place of unconditional love which always available to me. I have a strong tower in Christ who sympathizes with me and who loved me before I decided to follow Him, before I loved him. If I want to be more confident in who I am, I need to spend more quality time abiding with the one who knows me deeper and more completely than anyone, all my flaws, all my ugliness, and still chooses me.

It can be hard to find the right words at the right time, and sometimes it’s impossible. A week or two after I had been contemplating these things, someone directly and pointedly asked me to give them one reason I believe in God. To put this into context, they had already spent almost an hour explaining why they don’t believe a God exists, how there is no way to prove we have souls, and how most religious people are hypocrites. I was nervous. This wasn’t just a casual inquiry about my faith, it was an antagonistic question from someone who was already convinced they could prove me wrong. It was late, and I didn’t get far into my answer before we had to call it a night. Even if I would have had more time to answer, I wouldn’t have been satisfied with my response. The bible tells us to always have an answer ready to explain why we believe what we believe. I had always thought I did. But after the terrifying conversation from that night, I realized my prepared answer and reasons were at a level which could be helpful for someone who is searching or curious. They would be almost useless in explaining to someone looking for an intellectual battle who is more interested in being right than listening. I know I have thought through these hard questions before, but I didn’t have my answers ready in the moment I needed them most.

I’m thankful I have a God who gives me grace in all the moments when I don’t say the right things, when I stay quiet when I should have spoken up, and all the times I get it wrong. Now is the time to abide in Christ and bask deeply in his presence. To ask myself the hard questions once again and wrestle with the answers. I may not be completely prepared the next time I am in a situation where someone asks me why I believe, but I am going to be closer and God is going to continue to provide.

1 John 2:28 And now, little children, abide in him, so that when he appears we may have confidence and not shrink away from him in shame at his coming.