Stopping the Slide

A wise person once told me the definition of insanity is doing the same exact thing over and over but expecting a different end result. I get stuck in this cycle more often than I like to admit. It is hard to make positive changes to habits and lifestyles even when we know we should. During my first few weeks back in Israel, I found myself saying, I should do ‘fill in the blank’, but I don’t. Which led to the question, why don’t I?

At the end of a particularly disheartening Sunday, I realized I had to make a change. I had been trying without success and I decided enough was enough. So I made a list of daily goals. It was simple, relatively short, and not a list of absolutes, but rather a reminder of life-giving tangible activities I could and should do every day.

Get out of bed before 7

Exercise

Quiet time with God

Read something

Write something

Languages!!

Limit sugar

Encourage someone

Learn to play guitar

(Study & Go to Class)

These were literally the most basic of goals. I mean come on, get out of bed before 7?? My preferred routine starts around 5, so the fact that I found it necessary to make a list telling myself to get out of bed before 7 mirrored the state of hopeless I felt. But I tried to think of life-giving things that didn’t require much preparation. Activites I could just sit down and do at any time. I most certainly didn’t accomplish all the goals each day, but I did some every day. And I started to feel better, more alive. There were moments I actually felt motivated to study rather than simply obligated. I started reading a book Pniel lent me and worked on writing every day, even if it was just a sentence or two (this is where my last couple of blogs came from haha). I started working to make time with Jesus a priority even when I failed to start my day as early as I wanted to.

Apparently this is the only photo I took during this time? Sorry guys.. Peep the homemade hot chocolate!

Even as COVID numbers remained high, my teammates were eventually ready to continue practicing despite earlier concerns and inhibitions. Everyone complimented my new basketball shoes I brought from home. The coach made a comment, which my teammates translated, saying not to worry because I had new shoes for everyone that I would bring back to Israel next time. Everyone laughed, including me. Even Israelis believe the best place to get basketball shoes is the U.S.

As our classes continued to be on zoom, I learned more and more how to be intentional with friendships. I had the honor of joining Jack and Caroline one evening for Shakshuka. In case you didn't know, shakshuka is an Israeli staple. I'll make it for you next time I'm around or send you the recipe if you want! Apparently about the same time I was making my list of goals, Caroline and Jack had the same idea for different reasons haha. Caroline was able to cross making Shakshuka off her list after our successful meal (: Once we were stuffed to the brim, we sat and talked about life, school, Jesus, and simply existed together. There is a special freedom I feel like I am able to experience around fellow believers, just to share our deepest thoughts. We can talk about the hard things and search for truth together, providing some sense of accountability to each other. God knows exactly what we need exactly when we need it and spending an evening with Jack and Caroline was exactly that.

The following day I had planned to hang out with Pniel and Hayden, but due to unexpected circumstances, we had to cancel. So instead, I spent my day cleaning, cooking, and abiding in Jesus. To make it even better, I was able to drop some of the fruits of my cooking off with Hayden and Pniel. Food is ALWAYS better when shared! That is one of my core beliefs about life. Of course, Pniel didn’t let me leave empty handed, she sent me home with some delicious oat muffins.

I took a detour through the nearby park on my way home. I have seen numerous interesting activities and events in our park, but this evening I saw a man who appeared to be carrying all his belongings with him and his bike. There were pots and pans, tarps and blankets, soap, clothing, etc. He was a little ways off the path very focused on a task I couldn’t identify. I really wanted to talk to him, learn his story, maybe give him a muffin and share some of my curry and rice with him. But in that moment, I let fear and uncertainty stop me. What if he didn’t speak English, what if I didn’t know what to say, what if he didn’t want to talk to me.. and on and on. I walked away. As soon as I got back to my apartment, I felt immediate regrets. I tried to go back and find him, but he was gone. I had missed my opportunity. This is just one small example, but I was reminded that while it is never too late to take a stand, do what is right, or even make a life change, sometimes there are opportunities we only get once. We can’t go back. It’s true we could be rejected or fail miserably, but for me personally, I believe people are worth the risk. I hope as future opportunities arise to serve or love better, I will be reminded of to try.

Being home alone for the weekend gave me the perfect opportunity to work on one of the items on my list of goals. Guitar playing! I sat on the couch, found some simple chords to worship songs and hymns, and just sang while I played. As often as I make excuses and convince myself I’m too busy, I don’t think my evening could have been better spent. I cried with thanksgiving and smiled with praise. He is good and He loves me. Note to self: I need to do simply things that bring me joy more often.

On Saturday I went to church and was able to get some studying done in the afternoon. I had two social events for the evening. They say when it rains it pours, and this was true of my social calendar all weekend. First, I went to Allie and Rachel’s (two wonderful 2nd years) apartment for a knitting circle!! It turned out to be more of an L shape with just the three of us, but most certainly not an L as in loss haha. I worked on a simple dishcloth (which I have since finished) and if my memory serves me well, they were both creating beautiful blankets. It was a nice change in pace and very relaxing. I honestly didn’t want to leave, but duty called as I bid good night and headed out. My second event of the night was my teammates’ basketball game. I cheered and I practiced my three most used Hebrew words - Defense, Very Good, and Let’s Go. Most of the girls on my team are pretty patient with me when it comes to Hebrew and use a lot of English, but there is one girl, Zahr, who doesn’t slow down at all. I’m not sure she completely understands the extent to which I don’t understand Hebrew. I am half a step above clueless. But I had a singular moment of pure joy when she said, “יש בעיה הגנה”, and I knew exactly what she meant. There was so much more that went miles above my head, but I managed to snatch “there is a problem with the defense” out of the turbulence and hang on.

Right now, I am continually being reminded that progress is progress, no matter how small it may seem in the moment. Whether it is with language, studying, relationships, adjustments, or simply getting out of bed in the morning. This doesn’t mean we should be satisfied and let the small amount of progress be enough, but we should allow God’s grace to be sufficient for us and continue to press on. I know my dad didn’t come up with this saying, but he would remind me that, “Rome wasn’t built in a day”. I can sometimes get stuck an all or nothing mindset, so when my day begins poorly, I continue to let it go off the rails. But a day doesn’t have to be perfect to be good, and we can truly turn a bad day around at any moment if we will simply decide to. A day shouldn’t always be measured by the things I can check off my list, but more often I should reflect on who I am becoming. Clearly there are things we simply need to do and there is no way around it. But when everything seems bleak, hold on. When holding on seems like too much, this is exactly when you must tighten your grip and hold firm. I don't want to come to the end of my life and look back thinking, I should have, but I didn't. Forming good habits and doing what is necessary despite my circumstances starts today and continues tomorrow and all the days after.

1 Timothy 6:12

“Fight the good fight of faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses.”

But I know that when I fail, and I will fail, Christ will never abandon me. Praise the Lord.

2 Timothy 2:11-13

"Here is a trustworthy saying:

If we died with him, we will also live with him;

if we endure, we will also reign with him.

If we disown him, he will disown us;

if we are faithless, he remains faithful,

for he cannot disown himself."