Out of Control

As humans I believe we like to live under the allusion that we have some sense of control. We absolutely have control over ourselves, our decisions, our reactions, etc, but truly little else. I thought Covid had made it abundantly clear to me how little control I have. However, as I have lived in Israel, God continues to strip away any illusion of control I have held on to. Life continues to throw things at me I never would have expected, moments I couldn’t possibly have prepared for.

One of these beautiful developments was Lauren Knibbe. I don’t know if I have fully expressed in my past blog posts how blessed I was to live with her, do life with her, and be her friend. Throughout my life I have lived with countless incredible and wonderful people who made me look forward to coming home and hanging out with them. It’s the people who make a place feel like home. Having a roommate who feels like home is something special. It’s freely flowing conversations balanced with easy silence that doesn’t feel uncomfortable. It’s having someone who laughs at your offhand comments and counters with something even funnier. It’s silly dancing while studying, spontaneous cooking with whatever food you have to offer, not eating alone, staying up too late talking, watching Netflix together when you need a break, and knowing without a doubt they are there if you need them. Its planned and spontaneous adventures, hot chocolate and popcorn nights, studying accountability, and someone who pushes you to be a better version of yourself. Living with Lauren was all this and more.

Of course it wasn’t perfect, nothing is. I didn’t see it coming until it simply was. To say it was lovely would be an understatement. But as time went on it became more and more clear that Lauren was struggling. I won’t go into the details, especially since the only person who can truly explain and express everything accurately is Lauren herself. There were hard days, good days, and days that were a mix of both. Time after time, I just wanted there to be something tangible I could do to help, to make things better somehow. The illusion of control is thick. The things I was able do seemed small and inconsequential. Sometimes we can’t physically “fix” things. All we can do is be present, offer our support, and let them know they aren’t alone.

I remember when Lauren gave her speech at our White Coat ceremony. It was a beautiful and encompassed exactly how I think many of us were and are still feeling. I’m one of the lucky people who got to hear it multiple times as her practice audience. There is one line that struck me in the moment and continues to resonate in my soul. It was almost foreshadowing. I don’t know if this is the exact wording, but she said, “sometimes we need a break”. She went back and forth whether she should try to continue and finish the semester or if it would be better to end the semester early. It’s hard to acknowledge our human limitations. It takes immense courage to recognize that we aren’t invincible. I don’t remember the exact moment she decided to go home Washington before final exams and take the following semester off to focus on getting better. But even in the midst of everything she was experiencing, she made a difficult choice and I admire her for it. She could have pushed through and kept going, but eventually we must ask ourselves, to what cost are we willing to destroy ourselves? Why continue to “push through” if you are completely miserable the entire time? I absolutely believe we should have goals and sometimes we must go through hard things and keep going when the going gets tough. But we also have to know when enough is enough and have the courage to make the necessary changes. We only get one life, and it’s not a race to a certain destination. It’s about living in the meantime. We never know which day will be our last. Sometimes the end can’t justify the means, and Lauren recognized she was at the point where she couldn’t continue under the current conditions.

The last few weeks before her departure were extremely bittersweet for me. Sweet because I believed she had made the best decision she could and I want her to feel better, but bitter because I knew I would miss her dearly. I was very sad, and I still am. It was also hard because as finals rapidly approached, I knew I needed to spend time preparing and studying, but I also wanted to make the most of the time I had with Lauren before she left. But as I said before, Lauren is an amazing and incredible human regardless of her own personal hard. She made sure I studied but also let me hang out with her (: We tried out an Israeli fast-food restaurant together. It felt like quite the accomplishment when we navigated ordering on the kiosk in Hebrew. I also had many Lauren approved study breaks throughout the week with snacks, Netflix shows together, walks, and simply conversation. She had Simon over and they made a gluten free, vegan pumpkin pie together (pretty impressive honestly) while I worked on spring rolls for supper. Lauren had to make the peanut sauce because I haven’t mastered that yet (:

During the last weekend we went out to dinner are a very adorable café called Lola’s in the Old City. It was a delightful evening. It reminded me I need to do things like this more often with people I care about, not only when they are leaving. We only live once remember? Once time as passed, there is no getting it back.

We were still working through our supply of canned pumpkin, so we (to tell the truth it was all Lauren haha, I just participated in the consumption) pumpkin pancakes!! A perfect use of our final can.

The day before Lauren left, our apartment felt like a revolving door. Classmates came, talked, hungout, and eventually bid their farewell with a hopeful, see you later Lauren. I realized it was her last night as my roomie for the foreseeable future. It didn’t feel real until that moment. But it hit me, and it hit me hard.

On Lauren’s last day, we made sure to get hummus together. It would genuinely be a sin to go back to the U.S. for any length of time without having a final meal of hummus in Israel. It was one of those days I wanted to slow down, savor each moment, and delay the inevitable. But it couldn’t be done. Before I knew it, I was helping her load her suitcases onto the bus and waving goodbye. The rest of the day felt like a blur. It is hard to come to a completely new place, build a close friendship, and then let that person go while you stay. Change is hard, especially when it’s change you didn’t choose or ask for or even want. I wish I could say I bounced back with no problem at all, but that would be quite untrue. Since staring this new semester, I have struggled. But I have also grown, and I know I will continue to grow. And while no one can take Lauren’s place, I am overwhelmed by the way God continues to reach me at my lowest points and show me his goodness. He provides friends and joy that is deeper than happiness and infinitely less fleeting.

While here in Israel there are unsurprisingly events happening back in the states that I wish I could be present for. Some are things I knew I would miss out on; others are more unexpected. Life events like weddings of many dear friends, people moving and starting new and exciting jobs/experiences; tragedies like the death of a family friend or friends getting sick; most holidays, hugs, calving season, winter, my friends having babies, my friends’ babies having birthdays and growing up, break-ups and new relationships and engagements. And simply not being able to be there. It’s quite humbling. The world just keeps on going with or without you. Sometimes is all out of our control. It is a fact that I can’t be in Israel going to medical school and home in Kansas at the same time. I can’t have the experiences I’m having here and be with my family and friends simultaneously. Who can say which is better? It is not for me to judge and thinking about too often would be pretty destructive. All I know is God has a plan through it all. Unless He makes it abundantly clear that He is shutting a door, I can only choose to be faithful where He has me now. I have the control over if I will choose to be present today for the events happening here. And you have the choice to be present where you are with the people around you. You can’t predict the future but live today.

James 4:13-16

Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” As it is, you boast in your arrogant schemes. All such boasting is evil.

Ephesians 5:15-17

Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is.

*Thanks for being a forever friend Lauren <3