Boys & Singleness

I have a clear recollection of my friend Andy’s reaction when I asked for his advice about going to medical school in Israel. One of his first comments pointed out a factor I hadn’t considered. “You will probably need to be content being single for the next four years”, I’m paraphrasing but I think you get the message loud and clear. Quite frankly, I brushed off the significance of his statement. I was content being single, with occasionally instances of longing for romantic companionship that I think most single women experience. What was four more years of waiting? Plus, God can do anything right? If I was supposed to meet someone while in Israel, no matter how unlikely, He would certainly orchestrate it perfectly in his timing.

I would be lying if I didn’t admit being single has been challenging since moving to Israel. I think a part of me believed once I chose a profession or career to follow, I would feel like my life had more direction and certainty. If anything, I have found the opposite to be true. I haven’t the slightest idea what medical specialty I want to pursue. I don’t know where I will be located for residency after graduation. And after that who knows which doors God will open and close regarding where I will practice medicine and in what context. As I face the vastness of life’s possibilities, I have no choice but to rely on the goodness and graciousness of a God who has good plans for me to work it all out.

Even so, I have experienced the challenges of building new community in new places alone. While these experiences are also filled with blessings and draw my heart closer to Jesus, it takes time and tremendous energy to form deep, authentic, and life-giving relationships. I am so thankful for friends who continue to pursue me and love me from across the world, despite time differences and physical separation. I couldn’t be surrounded by more wonderful humans in Israel whom I continue to grow closer to. But in the midst of this, my heart desires a human who will physically and emotionally be my community wherever I am in the world because we will be there together. Someone who will push me to grow and someone I can serve Jesus with.

Until we find the person we choose to spend the rest of our life with, I think it is universally true that we will get hurt. To various degrees, there will always be pain from relationships that fail. I am not proud of my past decisions and mistakes that resulted in unhealthy relationships which could only end in a disastrous crash and burn. I believe Jesus has forgiven and redeemed me and I am thankful for the way He has used my mistakes and brokenness for His glory. I have seen how He has shown me the depths of my sinfulness to allow me to more fully appreciate and experience His love for me. But this doesn’t mean my past hasn’t left scars and insecurities so deep I don’t always recognize the impact they continue to have on me.

These past months have been an absolute war against the insecurities and lies I allow myself to believe. The cutting whispers saying I will never be good enough and the piercing shouts convincing me no boy could ever love all of me. The stifling murmurs reminding me of past rejections and insufficiencies are relentless and inescapable. It is easy to believe and know the truth, but much harder to live in it. Selfishly I want to continue to put up walls and protect myself from any further hurt or futile hopes. But building walls is not living in the freedom of Christ, it’s not trusting him fully, and it not only separates me from earthly pain, it also separates me from Christ.

Ephesians 6:10-18

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.”

So, I have been going to battle. Sometimes I face the torrent of opposition courageously knowing the battle is already won. There are times I rely on my own strength and only by running to his strong shelter am I not overtaken. And when I feel like I can’t go on any longer, He shows me the incredibly strong community of friends and family who is fighting with me and praying for me. He refreshes my soul, and his strength carries me through.

Hebrews 12:1-3

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”

A recent experience showed me I still have a lot of past hurt I need to surrender to Jesus for healing. I have been asked on a couple of dates since arriving in Israel and until this point, I have successfully avoided them for various reasons. First of all, I have had experience going on dates with boys who don’t love Jesus, it is essentially the only kind of date I have been asked on. In the past I have justified most with my desire to being kind and “giving them a chance” because at least they were brave enough to ask, but at this point in my life I have no desire to spend time getting to know random boys in any setting that may even hint at a romantic interest if they aren’t following Jesus. Maybe this is unnecessarily harsh and closed minded, you can decide and let me know, but I have had enough uncomfortable experiences for it to become my general rule.

So cue me, tired and hungry, walking back from the gym late one evening. I decided to stop and buy some shawarma for dinner since it would be a while before I made it home. After a mix of Hebrew and English, I successfully had my delicious meal. There was guy behind me in line whom I didn’t pay much attention to, except when he left, he smiled at me, so reflexively I smiled back. This isn't out of character for me, I smile at random humans frequently. Looking back, it may have been the beginning of my mistakes. It didn’t take me long to finish my supper, most of you know I am an extremely fast consumer of food haha, and out I went. To my surprise, the same guy was outside. I nodded to him (I’m a friendly girl okay), and turned to continue on, but he stopped me. His name was Gil and he asked all the typical questions, what are you doing in Israel, how long are you here, what are you studying, etc, before making the bold statement, “I think you are very beautiful”. My brain reconciled in dismay. In what way can one possibly respond, especially when such a direct statement is coming from a stranger? Both accepting or rejecting the statement would lead to further problems. I tried a combination of the two which was unsuccessful at curbing his enthusiasm. He continued to share that he is typically shy and doesn't often talk to strangers. I sensed it was coming but hoped against all odds I was wrong. When he asked for my number, my brain raced for an appropriate response, but as my mind screamed in protest, I obliged. To my shock, he proceeded to invite me over to his place at that very moment. Thankfully I didn’t even need to lie when I declined due to a prior commitment. We parted ways with a growing knot in my stomach, wishing I could take it all back.

The next day he messaged, wondering if I wanted to meet up for coffee. It was his saving grace that he suggested coffee and not late-night drinks, which I would have rejected without a shred of guilt or regret. Instead, I decided the most kind and efficient way to resolve the situation would be to meet up and then be done with it. I want to be clear. I believe the majority of my negative feelings had very little if anything to do with Gil. I realized just how jaded and hard I have allowed my heart to become regarding dates. I have allowed some of my past experiences to give me the excuse to believe nothing could come from them except hurt, awkward encounters filled with misunderstandings, or leave me feeling like the bad guy. Even the idea of a neutral encounter seemed far-fetched and unlikely to me. I couldn’t fall asleep until 3:30am the night before our scheduled meeting. That is the level of anxiety and distress I allowed a simple meaningless date with a stranger to cause.

As I walked to meet Gil at Ohlala, a popular café, I prayed God would give me the grace to be kind to Gil while also being myself, firmly rooted in my identity in Christ. Gil greeted me with a hug and another remark about me looking beautiful, confirming his intentions were more than “let’s be friends”. I awkwardly shifted to meet in a side hug while choosing to ignore his comment. He ordered coffee and cake, while I settled for my customary hot chocolate. The conversation was pleasant, and he was gentleman.The funniest part was when he asked me about my opinion on Israeli men. I conceded that I didn't yet have any strong opinions except I felt they were very forward and aggressive. When I asked him the same question, he didn't have much to add haha. He seemed like a genuine guy who cares about his family, staying very close to them by living in Be'Er Sheva, and enjoys trading stocks for a living. Afterwards he walked me home and we said farewell.

He texted me the next day and I knew I needed to find the words to honestly tell him I wasn’t interested. I thanked him for his time and explained as a Christian, my desire and priority in a relationship was for the other person to share my beliefs. After sending the message, felt like I was metaphorically holding my breath, expecting him to be angry or upset and make me feel guilty or prejudiced while trying to convince me to change my mind because these are the responses I have experienced in the past. But he didn’t. It was beautiful. He replied, “I was happy to get to know you, you are very special, I wish you the best and hope you will be happy.” The words he said weren’t nearly as important as the healing I felt from what he didn't say. He didn’t blame me, insult me, or drag it out. He respected me enough to accept it and be done with it. I don’t remember ever experiencing this response from a boy.

If you have been following my blogs, my goal is to be honest and authentic in my writings, sharing both the highs and the lows. I think this post is especially personal. I don’t share these deep emotions and struggles so you will pity me or think oh poor Betsy, or anything of that nature. I share because I believe we all go through lows, and maybe God will use one or two of mine as an encouragement to you. Most of you probably aren’t struggling with singleness or healing from past relationships, but I think we all have our moments of doubting God’s goodness for us. Doubting if he will really do EVERYTHING he says he will, doubting if he really can make beauty from the ashes, doubting he loves you no matter what, or doubting you can lay your heavy burdens down at his feet.

2 Peter 3:9

“The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.”

I believe God uses all our brokenness and all our mistakes for His glory. A song I have been listening to recently really made me think and reflect. One of the verses goes like this:

“This is a song where I go back to a time long gone

I get another chance to fix words that came out wrong

But when I finish I go back to right now

And the people I love are nowhere to be found

So I unfix all the moments I fixed

I get a new appreciation for the good stuff I missed”

Every moment in my life has impacted where I am right now, the people I love who are a part of my life, and who I have become as a human. The present isn’t perfect, but it never will be. The good and the bad has brought me to today and allows me to say here I am Lord, I am yours, take every part of me. I will continue to face the enemy with the Lord fighting for me and I will continue to allow Jesus to heal my brokenness. I want to leave you with something a dear friend shared with recently. It encouraged me and I hope it does the same for you.

“Yielding to God isn’t just about obedience to his teachings to forgive our neighbor, love our enemy, and care for the poor.

It’s also about accepting that he truly means what he says about us.

That he has made his home in us. That is love for us is impenetrable. That we are his, accepted, welcomed, home. That we are kept, and safe in him.

Honestly, I think it’s easier to yield to the ‘doing’ commands. It’s so much harder to yield to the identity ones.

To take up one’s cross isn’t just to crucify selfishness.

It’s to put to death the self that fears God’s withdrawal. Or whom can’t trust that God is happy to love us, and does so with eternal resolve.

May you yield to the Good News, today. “