Balance and the Lack Thereof

Hello faithful readers. Today has been a breath of fresh air. Yesterday (well April 13th, I started writing this a while ago haha) I completed my second and final round of basic science examinations. Our Passover break has begun, creating a glorious hiatus before we immerse ourselves in studying the different human body systems. As finals wrapped up, I was shocked to discover my first year of medical school has come and is rapidly concluding. The last two months will undoubtably fly by. A sliver of panic crept in as I reflected on how I have used my time. Have I accomplished anything aside from school? Thankfully my blog notes reminded me I have many stories to share and experiences to reflect upon. I’m not quite sure where to start, so let’s take a few giant leaps back to before finals, before my random date, and before classes returned to being held in person. Ahh yes, the dreaded zoom days.

Even with my motivation list (previously mentioned) as my welded weapon, I struggled to settle into a groove. Many nights continued to be restless, and my attention tended to drift during zooms. However, zoom school isn’t without a few benefits. One morning I logged into zoom, set my computer on the countertop, and had a fabulous time. I baked oatmeal raisin cookies (with my classmate Brock’s delicious recipe), created a chicken vegetable soup, and pureed an eggplant into dip. Everything was going smoothly until I decided to add pepper to my soup. We have one of those wooden pepper shakers where you actively grind the peppercorns. I’m not sure exactly how it happened, but instead of lightly dusting the soup with pepper, in the blink of an eye, all the peppercorns were floating in my soup, some less buoyant than others. I spent most of the following 30 minutes carefully sifting through my soup, removing as many as I could. After taste testing a peppercorn containing spoonful, I continued my efforts with renewed determination. It reminded me of the impact a small, careless action can have. I had worked hard to create a delicious soup, but with the addition of the small peppercorns, a mistake which occurred in a matter of seconds, it was almost inedible. Unless you really really love pepper, possible but improbably, a few spoonfuls would be enough to convince a person that they didn’t want soup after all. I was able to almost undo my error entirely, but I was reminded of situations in life where it is much harder to negate the effects of mistakes. A harsh word said in anger, what appears to be a small lie, the way we spend our time, etc. There is always forgiveness but there are no redoes. A person can do countless respectable things, but often a single mistake is what people remember. Even small actions have consequences. This thought process prompted two additional thoughts. First I need to be aware of the tendency to judge a situation by the mistakes instead of the successes, and second it is important to think through my actions and use wisdom to avoid catastrophic mistakes when possible. While I think my morning in the kitchen was truly the best use of time given the circumstances, zoom classes combined with my lack of focus had its own consequences which were especially apparent when we reached exam season.

The longer zoom classes persisted, the more I realized the necessity of being intentional with community. In response to my desire to be more purposeful with interactions, I found myself with a week packed full of social activities. One of my classmates and his wife, Jacob and Terry, have the cutest little girl. I feel very privileged to have gotten to attend Sophie’s first birthday celebration. They opened birthday gifts, some from family in the states, and there were balloons and cake. It was very sweet, but I marveled at how difficult it would be to raise children far from home, in a foreign land. I have a hard enough time taking care of myself. I greatly admire Jacob and Terry, and it reminded me of how important it is for me to freely give, include, and invite because we aren’t alone, despite the moments it feels that way.

I was double booked for the evening. After Sophie’s party, I headed to my friend Chen’s house for Pilates. I didn’t realize it was a formal class of about 8 people until I walked in late to find them all waiting for me. I was quite embarrassed, but it gave me a healthy dose of humility. The instruction for the class was entirely in Hebrew, but I followed along fairly successfully by watching the people around me. The room was dimly lit with calming music playing in the background. It was a positive first Pilates experience. After the lesson, Chen offered everyone fresh fruit and tea before sending us on our way. She is a tender soul and she always makes me feel right at home.

Yaira and Nitzan doing Pilates with me :)

My Thursday evening was just as sweet. My dear classmates Esti and Talia invited me over for a game night. We were joined by fellow students Binil, Evan, Hannah, and company. I am more convinced with each passing day that my memory is failing, but I simply can’t recall what games we played. I do remember it was a delightful night, which I thoroughly enjoyed. I felt light as a walked home that evening despite my lack of sleep and the late hour.

I spent the majority of Friday touring the nearby Bedouin villages and learning about their perspective. I plan to write about this in much more detail in a later post very soon. It was a long day, but I am very grateful for the opportunity. One of my friends from basketball, Arina, hosted me for a Shabbat dinner that evening. I got to meet her dog, Tesla, and her boyfriend, Or. As a medical student in the Israeli program, she understands the study grind all too well. We spent an hour studying, took Tesla to the dog park, and made supper together. I don’t know the name of what we made, but it was delicious. Melt in your mouth and consume more than your stomach can comfortable hold delicious. It was a mixture of beef and spices stuffed into a pita and grilled with roasted cauliflower and homemade challah on the side. AND a creamy dessert. After dinner we drank some tea with our dessert and simply hung out. During our conversation I mentioned how much I dislike going to sleep. Or responded by saying it’s completely understandable to dislike the process of falling asleep, and not at all the same as not enjoying or desiring sleep itself. I felt affirmed and understood. I think this is one of the reasons I go through seasons of sleeplessness. In my ideal world, I would never need to work to fall asleep, it would just simply happen. Keep dreaming, right? Or maybe ditch that dream and start dreaming more? Wink, wink (:

To finish out the week I took a day trip with Garret, my friend with a car, plus Brock and Jordan, two of my classmates. We adventured to an archeological site called Beit Guvrin-Maresha National Park. Maresha was one of the important towns of Judah during the time of the First Temple. The First Temple Period refers to the dates between 970 BC and 586 BC, when the Temple of Solomon stood proud in all of its splendor. Beit Guvrin, formerly known as Eleutheropolis, was important during the Roman era. There are impressive caves, olive presses, cisterns, and burial sites. There were caves built for pigeons with little cubbies carved into the stone. It is fascinating the way people built these caves, way before any modern technology, and created technology from stone to greatly improve their daily lives. Some of the caves felt endless, with one opening leading to another, leaving me wondering if I was lost or if there was indeed still an exit ahead. As I explored, the exit always revealed itself in due time, but there were a few fleeting moments of panic when I wandered a little too far from my traveling companions.

The first one is featuring Garrett's head haha

As incredible as the first caves were, the bell caves were the most spectacular part in my opinion. These caves were the quarries, where the rocks were used for construction.

In the Roman portion, we saw the remains of a Crusader fortress with a church and underground vault. If you looked hard enough and used your imagination, there was just enough left to vaguely make out where the bathhouses, dining room, and different areas within the ruins. The remains of an amphitheater could also be seen, making it easy to imagine the space filled with people watching intense and savage battles take place. This is actually the only amphitheater in Israel. I’m so glad Brock and Jordan were able to come along for the day. They both have a wonderful sense of humor and adventure which makes any activity more enjoyable.

It had been a long week full of activities and interactions that brought a lot of joy to my heart. But it was grueling, nonetheless. I used the small portion remaining of my weekend primarily for rest. It is possible to feel overwhelmed by too much of a good thing. However, each of us must decide for ourselves which moments are worth the weariness of time well spent. I tried to discern if my week was well spent or if there were movements I should have said no to some of the invitations. I think true balance is almost impossible to achieve, but I am infinitely far away from anything even beginning to resembling balance. Sometimes the only way to truly find balance is to accept that perfect balance isn’t possible. I know it sounds like an oxymoron, but the definition of balance is “a condition in which different elements are equal or in the correct proportions”. Maybe our original understanding of correct proportions or what we believed to be equal needs adjusted to fit reality. I’m not saying we should simply submit to the chaos which can overtake our lives if given a chance. Instead, we must find a position somewhere between rigidity and disorder to allow ourselves to roll with the punches as they come while simultaneously holding tightly and being unwilling to compromise the essential of who we are or the most important things. It’s a skill I am sure I will continue to develop my entire life.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;”

*sometimes there is even a time for cake in a mug as a late night snack ;)